World leaders react to yet another Taliban decree (Political satire)
By Musa Zafar
In the past, whenever the Taliban prevented women from entering a place or pursuing a profession, it would create chaos around the world. Organizations from NASA to the Crocodile Tears Defence Organization (CTDO) issued statements, which kept us optimistic. Back then, we knew these statements were only for filling the statement section of these organizations’ websites, but we were content. Now, after two years of Taliban rule, the turmoil has subsided. No one bothers to comment on the human rights violations by the Taliban and get themselves named to this group’s blacklist.
A few days ago, the Taliban banned women from entering Band-e-Amir Park in Bamyan. Some of the reactions from world leaders were likely as follows:
Antonio Guterres, UN secretary-general: Oh my God! Do we need to issue another statement? My salary doesn’t match the frequency of issuing statements. Either the world need to raise my salary, or the Taliban should ban women from breathing altogether so that we issue one final statement and be done with it.
Jens Stoltenberg, NATO secretary-general: We’ve issued a statement, but it hasn’t been endorsed by Turkey and Norway, yet. If Turkey fails to secure the Kabul airport deal and Mullah Muttaqi’s relationship with the government of Norway breaks down, these two countries will also endorse the statement. Then, we will condemn the ban on women’s entry to Band-e-Amir Park in the strongest terms. Our commitment to Afghanistan’s women continues.
Vladimir Putin, Russia president: Russia is mourning Yevgeny Prigozhin’s death these days. After Prigozhin, another plane is expected to crash and a few more opponents are supposed to die. As soon as we are done with them, we will surely take action and condemn. For now, we ask Afghan women to be patient.
Rishi Sunak, United Kingdom prime minister: The Taliban shouldn’t prevent women from going to the park. The U.K. government has decided to deport 1,000 Afghan women from the U.K. to Uganda. We’ve made an agreement with the Ugandan government to respect women’s rights and not hinder their entry into parks.
Ebrahim Raisi, Iran president: Could women go to the park before? Don’t the Taliban have moral police? Don’t the Taliban’s moral police have batons? The Islamic Republic of Iran condemns the ban on women’s entry to the park and offers to the Taliban that if their forces need batons and training, they should let us know.
Joe Biden, United States president: This is an issue for Afghan women and doesn’t concern us. We supported Afghan women for 20 years. They should be able to fight the Taliban for their rights. We’ve placed many tanks and cannons in Afghanistan. Women can use them. They have our permission.
Musa Zafar is a satirist and journalist.
