By Azada*
Aryan* is a transgender person living in Afghanistan. This is her story:
During my childhood, I found solace in the company of girls. Playing with dolls and my sisters’ toys brought me joy, as their games resonated with me. I longed for my mother to braid my hair and adorn it with flowers, but my wish remained unfulfilled. My family responded to my inclinations with violence and disdain. They forbade me from playing with girls, confiscated toys, and even destroyed them. Whenever my hair grew long, they would cut it short, reminding me, “You’re a boy, don’t associate with girls.”
As I entered adolescence, my desire to express my femininity only grew stronger. I yearned to apply makeup like my sisters and wear girl’s clothing, longing to be a part of their world. As an adult, I faced rejection from everyone, including my childhood friends. It became increasingly challenging to embrace my feminine qualities while presenting myself with a masculine facade. My family continued to belittle me, insisting that I conform to societal expectations of manhood, unable to comprehend that I found happiness in being my authentic self.
With each passing day, my perception of those around me changed. I was subjected to relentless harassment, labeled with derogatory terms such as “sissy,” “fairy,” and “girly boy.” Neither boys nor girls accepted me. I felt utterly isolated, burdened by a profound sense of loneliness and humiliation.
My parents constantly lamented the existence of a child with unconventional traits, viewing me as a stain of shame upon our family and relatives. In solitude, I would often weep, questioning why I was born with characteristics that no one accepted, and everyone despised.
One day, as I applied makeup in front of the mirror, my father approached and violently attacked me, shouting, “Are you, Izak?” I was unfamiliar with this term. Curious, I turned to Google the next day, searching for its meaning. The results unveiled the truth—I was transgender, a person assigned male at birth, but whose inner identity aligned with femininity. On that day, my journey of self-discovery began, and I gradually gained a deeper understanding of myself.
However, as I navigated through life, the offensive behavior and remarks of acquaintances compelled me to suppress my femininity. I forced myself to mingle with boys though I never felt at ease. Their violation of my boundaries, physical harassment, and relentless bullying became unbearable. They touched me inappropriately and mocked my feminine voice, lack of facial hair, and feminine mannerisms. Many demanded sexual favours from me. The constant ridicule and humiliation prevented me from continuing my higher education at university, as I became the object of mockery in my classes. During breaks, I was treated as a source of amusement, with classmates mimicking my speech and laughing at me. This dichotomy of gender eventually hindered my educational aspirations, despite my attempts to conform to societal expectations of masculinity.
Life as a transgender person has never been tolerable in Afghanistan. Even during the era of the American-supported government (2001-2021), transgender individuals faced constant insecurity, including when clerics issued fatwas, branding us impure and deserving of death. Now, with the Taliban’s resurgence in Afghanistan, any hope of personal safety is a distant dream. Regrettably, my family’s treatment worsened under their rule, as I remained unemployed and confined to our home. My father holds me in contempt, expecting me to work outside and contribute to the family’s finances. Despite my attempts to find employment in Kabul, as soon as potential employers discovered my transgender identity, they treat me with disdain, hurling derogatory slurs. Eventually, my family disowned me and threw me out of the family home. Eventually, I made the difficult decision to escape to Iran, choosing the lesser of two evils. Currently, I work on a construction site, earning meager wages while enduring physically demanding labour. Although I have found shelter, my freedom remains constrained. As I live under an Islamic government, I am cautious about interactions and refrain from sharing my true self, fearing potential repercussions.
I have always suppressed my true feelings, while enduring humiliation, insults, and abuse due to society’s limited understanding of gender diversity. The ability to concentrate has eluded me, leaving me uncertain about the path I should tread. Neither remaining as a boy and concealing my feminine identity nor embracing my feminine self while concealing my masculine appearance provides a definitive solution.
I yearn for society to embrace understanding and acceptance. I did not choose or determine my gender; no one enters this world of their own volition. I hope for the day when I can lead a beautiful authentic life in a safe environment, free from judgment and fear.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the interviewees; Azada is the pseudonym of a female journalist in Kabul.
