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Muslim scholars urge the Taliban to release God (Political satire)

Riyadh: At the conclusion of a two-day conference, Islamic scholars from around the world issued a peculiar plea to the Taliban — calling for the release of God from what they deemed an arbitrary detention. Using a subdued tone, the scholars criticized the Taliban for their alleged atrocities, particularly their inhumane treatment of all political prisoners, including God. In a unanimous declaration during Friday prayers, the group emphatically proclaimed, “God is Great,” reiterating their unwavering support for His Majesty. 

According to reports, the Taliban has held God captive since August 2021 due to His advocacy for mercy and compassion. Additionally, God stands accused of urging Muslim men, including Taliban members, to treat women with respect and dignity — a request that contradicts the Taliban’s manifesto as well as the group’s aspirations. The Taliban Ministry for the Propagation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice also leveled accusations against God for championing women’s education, advocating for equal treatment of Hazaras, and condemning extrajudicial killings in Panjshir province. 

Sheikh Mohammad bin Mohammad, secretary-general of Muslim Scholars in Exile, remarked, “Although the Taliban presented God in a Kabul court, reports suggest that He was misrepresented by the Taliban’s lawyer. We have ample evidence that the Taliban-appointed lawyer lacked a grasp of Arabic, which is God’s native language, and the translation and interpretation were egregiously flawed. We believe that the Taliban’s kangaroo court falls well below international standards for kangaroo courts.” 

The Taliban’s minister for kangaroo courts dismissed the claims of the Muslim scholars. Mullah Abdul Islam Ghamgin insisted that the Taliban had uncovered evidence in God’s scripture that seemingly supports women’s rights to work and receive education, minorities’ rights to dignified living, and people’s freedom of movement. He added that God’s trustworthiness was in question, and His release might compromise the Taliban’s purpose of creation. He also declared that, until God’s release, Mullah Hibatullah would assume control and issue directives on behalf of God to govern the world. 

Muslims living under Taliban rule echoed the scholars’ call for God’s release. However, Muslim men in Western liberal countries voiced their approval of the Taliban’s actions and urged their governments to implement sharia, prohibit the sale of haram products in supermarkets, and advocate for the beheading of anyone supporting the LGBTQ+ community. Abdul, a Vancouver resident, expressed sympathy for the Taliban, asserting, “God has created people with sexual orientations outside the bounds of sharia, and thus, He needs to remain in detention to learn His lesson the hard way.” 

Musa Zafar is a satirist and journalist.      

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