By Musa Zafar
The angels reported that one part of Hell had gone missing. A section of Hell was lost because all the angels were focused on the security of Heaven as no one had imagined that Hell – a place no follower of any the religions wanted to enter – could be stolen. The irony was that the thieves did not steal a part from the outskirts of Hell, which are slightly milder and tolerable. The missing section was right at the centre of Hell. One could say the thieves had stolen the flower top of the cake of Hell.
A meeting was convened under the chairmanship of God himself to investigate the matter and formulate a plan to retrieve the missing part of Hell. A commission was established under the leadership of Michael to examine how the theft occurred and identify the culprits. Another commission, led by Gabriel, was created to restore Hell by returning its missing part. Azrael also wanted to chair a commission, but God advised him that his job was solely to sound the trumpet, signalling the end of times. Until then, he should keep quiet and not do anything, much like the United Nations.
Six days later, Michael reported that the Taliban, with the help of al-Qaeda and the Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) and other terrorist groups, had stolen that missing part of Hell. The report stated that the thieves dragged the section through Hell’s back gate while the guards were asleep. They took it to the world and hid it in the heart of Asia. To avoid suspicion, they renamed their Hell “Afghanistan.” Michael added that this Hell had already become a paradise for terrorists, who had established strongholds and sanctuaries there.
After carefully reviewing the report, God asked Gabriel to mobilize his forces and return Afghanistan to its original place. Gabriel went to Afghanistan, and, before engaging in armed conflict, he went to Kandahar to negotiate with the Taliban supreme leader, Mullah Hibatullah. Upon seeing the radiant face of Gabriel, the mullah immediately asked for a blanket. However, when Gabriel realized the Taliban usually resort to “blanket diplomacy,” he abandoned negotiations and ordered his forces to restore Afghanistan to its original place by whatever means necessary.
The following week, Gabriel updated God on his mission. He reported that the Taliban forces were heavily armed with American weapons. He said that his own troops suffered numerous casualties and no longer had the strength to continue fighting. Gabriel also mentioned that the Taliban was being covertly and overtly supported by the Satanic army, and defeating this group wouldn’t be easy. God inquired about the reaction of the people of Afghanistan, wondering why they weren’t protesting their country being turned into Hell. With a big sigh, Gabriel replied that only a handful of women were unhappy with the situation and were protesting at the risk of their lives. He added that the rest of the people either wouldn’t stand up against it or were satisfied with the situation.
At the end of the meeting, God issued a proclamation: “Let them suffer. For a people so indifferent, Hell might be the best place for them.”
* Musa Zafar is a satirist and journalist.